"Watching every motion
In this foolish lover's game
Haunted by the notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn my way and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away"

I walked into Woody's diner cafe this morning, exhausted from a restless nights sleep. My mind was worn out from thinking, from staring at the lavender walls of my room for what seemed like days. I took my seat at the farthest booth in the back. The bench is very comfortable. The table seats 4 and I always feel bad for taking up a entire table just for myself. Maybe I have this thought in the back of my mind that someone will take a seat with me so we could share our meal together. Berlin's "Take my breath away" was playing in the background. It was busy so I started to nod off while I waited for someone to serve me. The 50's aurora Woody's gives off always eases my mind. Maybe it's the ideal of a time when things were portrayed as being simple. Bubble gummish...yes...pink bubble gum bubbles is what I think about when I nod off at Woodies.


I nocticed a women in I would say her 40s. She came in and sat at the stools up by the cash register. She had soft light brown hair to match her kaki shirt and shorts she was wearing. She seemed tired and sad. I figured she was most likely the bi-product of a twenty year marriage gone bad. Maybe he never returned from a great war, or died of natural causes, whatever it was I saw her lonilness and it made me uncomfortable. Her eyes seemed to contained the sadness of this world. But she was content with this sadness. Though she didn't wear any make-up she kept her self presentable.

The waitress then came up and disturbed me thoughts with her question of what it was I wanted. I got the usual with water to serve as my drink.

The lady had ordered waffles with fresh blue-berries for the topping. She let out a sigh and started to slowly cutting her waffle into small squares. Then began to eat them. My mind started to wonder again....

I started to nod off again...daydreaming about dreams I had the night before in what little sleep I got. I was on a Island...not tropical. I was with someone I know and we walked out stepping stones to this tree on a smaller island... I could still feel the water dripping off the leaves and hitting our faces.......I was happy.

Sorry back to the story. My attention was now drawn to this giant family that I had not noticed before. They were sitting in the booth right in front of me. The man had a pear shaped head with only hair wrapped around the lower portion. His week smile was not so picture perfect.His wife was the problem....alot bigger than him and he had to be a good 300 lbs was contantly harping on him. You could tell that this had been goin on for years. He was yet another miserable person I encountered. His eyes lids sagged over the white of his eyes. He seemed to be very tired. His kid kept pulling on his shirt notioning that he needed to use the restroom. With pain the man stood up and slowly dragged his feet to the restroom with his kid. The marriage was falling apart or maybe it had hit bottom years ago. The wife bossed him around. She was taking years off his already health plagued life. When he came back and sat down. He looked at me and let off a week smile, I returned his smile with one of lesser integrity but a smile none the less.

I realized over breakfast that some people must die alone. Some people must go through out life and never find love. Yes they may love, or be loved. But to truely experience this emotion it must be a combination of the two. Love is like a rose.even the most beautiful of all roses must someday crumble to dust and fade away. Life isn't always easy. You don't always have that house with the white picket fence. Not everyone has a lovely spouse with two and a half children waiting for you to get home from work so they can hear about your day. It's just isn't feasable scenario by everyone. I can only hope that this fate isnt delt to me. I dont want to live a miserable life, I don't want to never experience love and what it has to offer. And most of all I don't want to die alone. I think this fear is what keeps me up at nights sometimes. It makes me think about things I shouldn't. Makes me stair into the walls until I am sure that I am crazy. Only to be assured that there is still some hope left when that sunrises up and you are there to let that warmth hit your face....

5 years has gone by since I jotted down these words above. I was young, naive, and had no experience on the matters....I've apparrantly "loved" n lost though looking back on the matter it was all feetle compared to what I hopefully have in store for me in the roads ahead, had friends come and go, found hobbies that fit my outlook on life and most of all grown up and learned from my experiences. I've found that it is true not everyone gets delt the perfect hand of cards. That isnt always a bad thing. You have to have pain and sadness to truely appreciate the good. What is true happiness? I think thats every mans number one question about life. It is what you make of it. It's the simple things in life. Its taking things day by day. It's waking up at the crack of dawn and watching the sun rise before you surf. It's watching your friends succeed with their goals and careers. It's listening to your grandpa talk about his life....his stories, the golden days and seeing it bring a sparkle into his eyes because you are interested. True happiness isnt always measured on just your feelings....true happiness is a combination of yours and the loved ones around you.

Does your Roll benifit the earth, does it help the grass to grow or the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you too? Have you passed through this night? I once had somone tell me " To the world you may be nothing, but to one person you may be the world" Do you ever ask yourself that if you were to pass today would people remember you or would your mark on this earth fade away like your ashes over the sea. I often day dream about dying in a great war for a major cause. One of my favorite quotes is from catcher in the rye " The mark of a immature man is he wants to die nobly for a cause, the mark of a mature man is he wants to live humbly for one" I pray nightly that i may someday find that one thing in my life....and it could be anything, a dog, a friend, a loved one or lover. I'm starving for that passion in my life. I want that special something to come home to. I mean isnt that why we are put on this earth. Very poetic I know, but i want....I need that passion in my life. Every day that passes without it is a day wasted in my eyes. I feel that is why I'm so fascinated by the early days...the golden days persay. Life was held dear and appreciated more. It was Romantic, adventurous and seminal. A time before life got bleached by the meda. When people were thankful to have food on the table and someone to share it with. When men put in a honest days work for a check to put clothes on their kids backs. A time where girls where worried and terrified to death to loose their lover at war.I wish I grew up in the 40s. Back when the coastline wasnt plagued with commercial realistate and Highways and people that leave their filth. I often wonder if we all took a step back to grasp Californias true beauty old california if we would find ways to appreciate life more. We are so fast paced these days driven to work and invest, and strum away at the everyday life we are forced into that we forget where we came from and what should be held dear to us. Back in a time where people lived based off passion for simply living. They surfed because its all they knew, and built and raced cars because it was in their blood. Everything today is such a fad and ill passionate. I'm just in the wrong era I suppose. A old soul I am. I value friendship, love, and heritage. I admire our past and wish it was the same today as it was back then. Hopeless romantic some call it. I mean we all inspire to be great. Therou said "We are born but to succeed, not fail" We build up dreams of a life full of adventure, love and passion. I at times perhaps over analize my life a tad to much. I look at my past, my present and into my future too much for my own good. Maybe some men are meant to live ordinary lives. Lives without love, passion or any sort of adventure at all. A life when you die you are soon forgotten and slowly the flowers on your grave die and blow away with the wind never to be replaced agian.Some people frankly may just be delt that hand. "Most men lead lives of quite desperation, and take their song to their grave" This is my nightmare, this is my hell. I see my life slowing falling down that beaten path and I refuse to let that happen.


I'm 24 soon to be 25 and I'm maturing rapidly. I have always had a head start due to me starting my career at such a young age and being on my own. But I can see it in all aspects of my life. I get a much more kick out of watching peoples happiness than worrying about my own as I get older. I have a new respect for my Grandparents my mom and my dad. My observations I make daily are with a much more open eye. I'm constantly trying to simplify my life. Part of me if not all still is a hopeless romantic. I just know things will fall in place. My faith is all I have right now. I know theres something out there for me and right now I'm happy life is good......and I just wanna focus on making everyday the best it can be. even if that means accomplishing my goals alone or doing my planned trips with no one but myself....I need to start taking life into my own hands and making memories that will never be forgotten.

Robert frost

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on

"After 20 years, you analyze a lot. You remember people, heroism. "The Miracle of the Andes", that's what they called it. Many people come up to me and say that had they been there, they surely would have died. But it makes no sense, because until you're in a... situation like that... you... you have no idea... how you'd behave. To be affronted by solitude without decadence or a... single material thing to prostitute it elevates you to a sprititual plane, where I felt the presence of God. Now, there's the God they taught about me about at school. And there is the God that's hidden by what surrounds us in this civilization. That's the God I met on the mountain. "

Anti-Hu

I'm on a search for happiness, simplicity, and romance. I enjoy being alone though. It's a problem I can't kick. Maybe because I havent felt anything for sometime....since the first time. Maybe everything after that won't compare and I have to just learn to deal with a slightly number version of love, life, and happiness. It's a hard spot to be in because I have hurt many unintentionaly....and I do not like causing greif on anyone. I have a way of convincing myself to run away with no questions asked as a form of protection of never making myself vulnerable again. Or maybe I just havent found what I need or want yet or maybe I have and feelings arent mutual,.... but that is life some never find it and you gotta make the best out of what you got and if all you have is yourself then let the good times roll....quite honestly I dont need anyone I'm slowly weening myself off others and the company of others and its for the better in the end that will be what gets me by. The more I look back what I had may have not been the best for me anyhow. I've grown into myself in the last two years and wouldnt change a thing besides not being content or happy all the time. I do find the oddest things make me smile or appreciate what I have. Yesterday I was camping South Carlsbad State beach with the parents and was out looking for a video to watch. I was leaving the surf shop and as I began to pull out of the driveway a mother and her daughter who was probably 30 and had down syndrome stopped to let me go and I insisted they went so they did. As the mom led her daughter by the hand the daughter smiled a genuine smile and patted the top of her moms hand that was leading her across the driveway and smiled. It really got me. Now I'm no expert nor claim to be on that condition and do not want to go into detail about it but that thankfull gesture and true sign of love and happiness that was shown with her hand gesture and smile just hit me. I am angry with myself for not being to just be happy. I am so graced with health, a good job, and darn good friends. I guess it takes these things to bring you back down to earth sometimes. You gotta enjoy the simple things in life or you'll never be happy.