Anti-Hu

I'm on a search for happiness, simplicity, and romance. I enjoy being alone though. It's a problem I can't kick. Maybe because I havent felt anything for sometime....since the first time. Maybe everything after that won't compare and I have to just learn to deal with a slightly number version of love, life, and happiness. It's a hard spot to be in because I have hurt many unintentionaly....and I do not like causing greif on anyone. I have a way of convincing myself to run away with no questions asked as a form of protection of never making myself vulnerable again. Or maybe I just havent found what I need or want yet or maybe I have and feelings arent mutual,.... but that is life some never find it and you gotta make the best out of what you got and if all you have is yourself then let the good times roll....quite honestly I dont need anyone I'm slowly weening myself off others and the company of others and its for the better in the end that will be what gets me by. The more I look back what I had may have not been the best for me anyhow. I've grown into myself in the last two years and wouldnt change a thing besides not being content or happy all the time. I do find the oddest things make me smile or appreciate what I have. Yesterday I was camping South Carlsbad State beach with the parents and was out looking for a video to watch. I was leaving the surf shop and as I began to pull out of the driveway a mother and her daughter who was probably 30 and had down syndrome stopped to let me go and I insisted they went so they did. As the mom led her daughter by the hand the daughter smiled a genuine smile and patted the top of her moms hand that was leading her across the driveway and smiled. It really got me. Now I'm no expert nor claim to be on that condition and do not want to go into detail about it but that thankfull gesture and true sign of love and happiness that was shown with her hand gesture and smile just hit me. I am angry with myself for not being to just be happy. I am so graced with health, a good job, and darn good friends. I guess it takes these things to bring you back down to earth sometimes. You gotta enjoy the simple things in life or you'll never be happy.